lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
