You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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