My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
