There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
