her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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