I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
