she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Even my vagina gasped.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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