no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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