Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
