why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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