My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
