i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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