He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
