thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
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