i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
