I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
