Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
