True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
