The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
