A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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