2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
