i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
