Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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