the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
