I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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