I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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