I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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