I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
