I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
