Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
