No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
