Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
