Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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