The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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