You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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