a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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