I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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