none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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