my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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