Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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