In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize