I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
