why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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