why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
