I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
