My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
