I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
