He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
