When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
