Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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