Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
