i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
