dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
